DCU Holiday Bash! #1 (1997)

It’s Christmas Eve… hey, I wonder if it’s the same Christmas Eve as the first two stories we’ve looked at this week?  I dunno… anyhoo, we open at a Gotham City Pub, where some wiseguys are trying to track down a woman named Maria.  A portly Shadow King-lookin’ dude at the bar inquires as to why they’re trying to find this one woman in particular, and we find out her “old man” murdered this dude’s brother.  A woman at the bar spills the beans, says Maria is known to hang out with a Fortune Teller named, get this, Melchoir.  Hmm… quite a “wizened” name.

The pub clears out, and with it, that portly fella.  Turns out, this heavyweight was… Catwoman!  In, uh, disguise… naturally.  She sneaks into an alley to change into her “work clothes”.

Before heading to Dr. Melchoir’s Natural Good-Time Family Fortune-Telling Solution, Selina peers into her bag.  Turns out she stole a pretty valuable piece earlier this evening.  That’ll come up again later.

Inside, she greets Melchoir… and by “greets”, I mean, snaps at him with her whip.  She wants to know what he told Wiseguy Harry Rodley.  Mel comes clean, and says that Maria is at a dance on 1st Ave.  Further, he comes clean that… he’s lying.  This was all a subterfuge to buy Maria some time.  Selina makes it clear that she ain’t screwing around… and manages to get him to spill the actual beans on Maria’s whereabouts.

Mel guides Catwoman to Gotham City Meats, where we see Maria (baby in tow) pleading with some scumbag for help.  This dude, who I’m going to assume was her boyfriend/husband, more or less tells her she’s screwed.

Just then, Harry Rodley’s limousine pulls up.  Catwoman and Melchoir rush over to Maria to concoct a plan.  Selina decides that they’ll hide Maria and the baby in the back of a truck… that just so happens to be full of straw.  Well, that’s convenient.  Selina herself will drive away in Maria’s car to draw the baddies away.

Since it’s late at night, Selina’s plan actually works.  Harry and Company follow Maria’s car out of the lot, and are in hot pursuit.  Selina drives through a barricade blocking off a bridge undergoing major construction…

… annnnnnd, drives right off the edge… giving the impression that Maria just offed herself!  Since this is Selina Kyle, however, we know she has ways of surviving stuff like this.  Ya know, like bailing out and grabbing onto the underside of the bridge, while the Wiseguys kinda just stand around scratching their heads.

We wrap up back at Gotham City Meats, where Selina assures Maria that she’s safe to leave.  She hands her a bunch of money, as well as that angel statue she’d stolen earlier that evening.  Says it’ll sell for a half-mill.  What she doesn’t say is, when Maria tries to sell it, there’s a pretty good chance she’ll wind up getting arrested.  Ah well, life’s a gamble, right?

—

Well… this is the kind of story I usually associate with these “all-in” jam issues.  No consequence, nothing “pressing”… nothing we’re supposed to think about once we’re done reading.  I mean, that’s not the worst thing in the world, but… it certainly isn’t the best either.


Outside of the Melchoir-ness, and the woman named Maria taking refuge in straw… there isn’t a whole lot about this story that screams “Christmas”.  I guess they can’t all be as festive as a Mall Santa… but, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping for something a bit more “of the season”.


Selina’s Robin Hood act was… I dunno, I suppose her heart was in the right place… but, really… what does she expect Maria to do?  Head over to a Fence on Christmas Eve (or shortly after) to try and sell a just-stolen angel statue?  That’s kind of a mean trick, innit?  I suppose that’s just one of those things we’re not supposed to think about.


Oh well… they can’t all be winners!

We open with a bald fella engaging in a strange ritual in which he hopes to summon a Demon, with whom he’ll exchange his mortal soul for… something.  Something really cool, I’d assume.  Wouldn’tcha know it, the Demon he winds up calling is our pal, Etrigan… who runs down how the deal will go.


Before the fella can make his request, however, his precocious young daughter bursts into the room… and wonders who this scary visitor might be.  Dad tells her it’s just one of “Santa’s Helpers”, and to get back into bed.


Well, kiddo, thinking this horned beast is actually pals with Santa, asks what he brought for her.  She reaches into his box o’ tricks, and procures a Batman doll… which, we’re going to assume she was wishing for.


Since the deal with Dad was still in effect… it turns out that the bald fella just unwittingly exchanged his soul for… that very Batman doll.  Etrigran squeals with glee, and vacates the scene… leaving the little girl wondering why her father is now so down in the dumps.


—

This was clever… and fun.  Didn’t need more than two-pages to be told, either!  I’m also glad we never found out what Dad was going to swap his soul for… because, that very well could’ve turned this tale from dark comedy to bleak tragedy.  I think we can assume, however, from the absolute maddened look on Dad’s face that… his request was going to fit more into the “selfish” column than “selfless”.


I like this use of Etrigan, where… I mean, it’s not necessarily a story about him… he’s more there just as a tool/facilitator.  He’s certainly not a character I’d root for, but I can appreciate him getting a “bargain” on some dude’s soul through a fluke like this.  I mean, if you deal with the devil… you’re probably going to get burnt!


I just wonder if Dad was trying to dissolve his marriage or something… now, that would be tragic!


—
—

We open with Green Lantern, Kyle Rayner attending to a crashed (and leaking) oil tanker.  The use of oil here is pretty clever, as we’ll come to find out as we continue.  Our man is so busy that he’s running a little late for a very important date.  Ya see, he’s supposed to meet a pal at Radu’s so they can head to Temple together.  It’s the first night of Hanukkah, and while Kyle isn’t Jewish, he’s more than happy to broaden his horizons and learn more about the faith of his friends.

Kyle’s buddy has brought his sister along for the evening… and together they give ol’ Radu the inch-deep/mile-wide explanation of “The Miracle of the Oil” and Hanukkah.  The sister, Beccah talks of the Maccabees… which, always reminds me of when Ross from Friends tries to explain Hanukkah to his son (while wearing an armadillo costume).

Kyle enters the scene, and… I think we’re supposed to assume that he immediately begins hitting on Beccah… though, that isn’t entirely clear.  Whatever the case, she’s impressed by his Hanukkah knowledge, and the subject shifts to that of miracles (in the overall sense).  Kyle, acting uncharacteristically pragmatic, claims that miracles aren’t really his bag.  Keeping in mind, he’s wearing a cosmically powered ring while he says this.

As the chat continues, it’s revealed that Beccah is actually a Rabbi.  This kind of freaks Kyle out… because, he was apparently hitting on her.  Ever so humble, she tells him this isn’t the first time that’s happened to her.  Really though… if this is an example of how Kyle flirts, I haven’t the foggiest notion how he managed to date Donna or Jade.

The trio arrives at the Synagogue, only to find it’s been horribly vandalized!  Swastikas, hate-speech… it’s just an ugly scene.  A maintenance man named Otto has been beaten up and left on the ground.  He reports that some punks had stormed the place earlier… and, in addition to the hate-tags, they also stole the Vessel for the Eternal Flame.

Kyle heads out… and, he ain’t messin’ around.  Nearby, he finds an empty can of spray paint.  Conveniently, it’s an “unusual brand” of paint, and it’s only sold in one nearby store.  Kyle, as Green Lantern, pays the proprietor a visit… and we find out that the shop-keep remembers exactly who he sold this particular can of paint to.  Ya see, this raving, hate-fueled Anti-Semite decided to join the store’s mailing list.  Whoops.  Meanwhile, the baddies celebrate having stolen the Vessel.

Moments later, Green Lantern bursts in through the wall… and faces off with the thugs.  Just as they’re about to pounce, Kyle’s Power Ring runs out of juice!  Uh-oh.

But then… as if by a miracle, the Ring is re-energized!  Kyle is able to will himself up a whole bunch of gimmicks, and beat the punks up but-good!  He reclaims the Vessel and brings it back to Beccah.

We wrap up with Kyle and his friends attending the evening’s service, where the topic is miracles and faith.  Kyle looks down at his Ring and begins to ponder.

—

Now, this was a pretty clever story!  From the oil tanker, to Kyle’s ring running out of juice… this was very “on point” for the Holiday.


Sure, it kinda round-peg/square-holed Kyle a bit to make it all work.  I don’t recall him ever being so pessimistic when it comes to things like miracles… but, ya know, all in service of the story, right?  Speaking of “out of character”, Kyle’s attempt at flirting here… if, in fact that’s what it was supposed to be… was very, very weak!  It was hardly even small-talk, much less a flirtation.  Pretty presumptuous of Beccah to assume she was being hit on!  I’d hate to think of how she feels when the dude at the Drive-Thru asks if she “wants fries with that”.  That might be akin to a marriage proposal to her!


As far as the rest of the story is concerned… it was good!  The bad guys got their comeuppance, and Kyle learned a valuable lesson.  The path we took to get there might’ve been a tad on the convenient side, but, when we’ve only got a handful of pages to work with, it’s probably best not to use the lion’s share of em on “detective work”.


Overall, a decent story that adds some non-Christmas Holiday flair to this package!  I feel like diversifying this sort of collection provides a great service to the readership!

We open twenty-minutes before Wally and Linda’s Christmas Party, and the former has just set up the Tree.  He’s overly pleased with himself, not only for that, but because this year, he’d found the perfect gift for his girlfriend: The Fastest Microwave Oven on Earth.  Woof.  C’mon, dude.  Anyhoo, as he’s just about to wrap his gift, he overhears Linda on the phone with her mother.  She excitedly reports that this year, she told Wally exactly what she wanted… and she’s sure to be getting just that.  Our man is absolutely gobsmacked… as he doesn’t remember any such discussion having taken place!

And so… he suits up, jams out, and tries to figure out just what this perfect gift might’ve been!  First stop, Boone’s Department Store downtown.  Inside he sees the second ugliest sweater in this story (Wally’s own sweater from earlier might’ve just edged it out).  He decides the gift Linda wanted must’ve been… a scarf.  He buys the thing, only to realize it’s 100% cashmere… which Linda is allergic to.  Imagine that, a cashmere allergy?

Since shops are about to close up for the night… Mr. West must go west.  Next stop, Poccini’s in Beverly Hills.  There, he sees the same ugly sweater… and flashes back to the chat he and Linda had about gifts.  The discussion just so happened to have occurred right in front of these nasty sweaters… only problem being, for the life of him, he cannot remember what she said!  He decides here to buy her an expensive cosmetics case.  When the shop-girl asks what Linda does for a living, he tells her that she’s on the TV news… to which, the girl informs him that, Linda’s got a half-dozen people prettying up her face, the last thing she’ll need is a make-up kit!

Rushing through the time-zones, our next stop is Hawaii!  Wally stops at a Curio Shop, where… hey, wouldja lookit that, the ugly sweaters are there!  Wally winds up choosing a piece of jewelry… which is all well and good, until he learns that it’s a wedding band.  Whoops.

And so, further West we go… so far West, it become East!  Flash arrives in Hong Kong… and nearly buys some scary statues for his lady love, before thinking better of it.  Defeated, he heads out of the shop and slumps against the wall.  When he looks up, he sees the Wong Fu Factory Outlet… which, just so happens to be filled to the brim with, say it with me, those ugly sweaters!  Again Wally racks his brain to try and remember what Linda asked for… and, it finally comes to him!

We rejoin Wally at the Christmas Party, where Linda has just opened her gift.  Heyyy, it’s the ugly sweater!  She’s, uh, not entirely sure what to make of such a grand gesture.  Wally informs her that this isn’t for her to wear, but as a reminder of the conversation they had in front of the display at the store… about what Linda really wanted for Christmas.

Turns out, Linda didn’t want nuthin’!  She was telling Wally that she has everything she could ever need… and gifts don’t prove anything.  I mean, that begs the question as to what she was telling her mother over the phone earlier… but, whattayagonnado?  Wally and Linda embrace, and prepare to share a long winter’s nap.

—

This was cute.  Sure, we gotta kinda twist some things to make it work… but, it’s still a cute story.


I’m not the biggest fan of making Wally into a sorta clueless sitcom dad/husband.  I mean, a microwave oven?  C’mon, dude.  I’d expect a bit more from him than that… especially from the fellas who write his monthly adventures.


Second, Linda’s conversation with her mother.  Why wouldn’t she have just said, “I told him not to get me anything” rather than, “I told him exactly what to get me…”, when that thing is… “nothing”?  Nobody talks like that.  It just doesn’t make any sense.  Least it served its purpose by getting this story off and running (pun!).


The story overall was pretty neat… gave me some “warm fuzzies”, which I suppose is good enough.


—
—

We can probably assume that this is Christmas Eve (or thereabouts).  Alfred finds a Christmas missive from Tim Drake, wishing him the Happiest of Holidays.  Alfred then heads into the Batcave, where Bruce walks past him without a word… hops into the Batmobile, and speeds away.


After the dust settles, Alfred notices that Master Bruce left him a Christmas gift… annnnnd, that’s it!

—

Ey, Jim!  We came up two pages shawt ta fill in da Christmas Book… ya t’ink ya can whip somethin’ up?  We arreddy drew Batman on da covuh… ya gotta bail us out!


Really, DC?  This story… again?  It feels like any time we cover a Batman Christmas story, there’s always a scene where Alfred is surprised (and touched) that Bruce left him a gift.  By now, isn’t it just a known fact that this is going to happen?


At least it looked pretty!  Really though, this is such a non-story… and, I wish we’d stop getting variations of it.