Wyler’s Presents… (1992)
“What’s Holding Up the Game?”
Yanked from – Green Lantern: Mosaic #1 (June, 1992)
So, this might be the laziest Sequential Ads yet… and, that’s saying something!
Whattaya get when your folks are too cheap to buy Kool-Aid? Well, probably Flavor Aid, right? Which, I don’t wanna immediately head off on a tangent, but… anyone out there who makes a “Drink the Kool-Aid” reference, needs to actually do some Googling.
Anyway… let’s say your folks are also too cheap for Flavor Aid. What then? Well, then you’ve probably got a cupboard full’a nearly expired packets of Wyler’s! I remember having a mélange of unsweetened drink-mixes in our pantry… and, I’m sure there was a fair share of Wyler’s’s’s’s among ’em. It’s funny… folks of my vintage probably remember making pitchers of this stuff.
I probably don’t have to remind you, but… ya’ll remember how much sugar we used to put into these? Like, it was to the point where it was tough to stir! And… that was by following the directions! An entire cup of sugar to eight-cups of water. Nowadays, the directions have changed a bit — Kool-Aid recommends Splenda… which, might offer an even worse aftertaste than the wooden spoon you use to stir the stuff together. Y’all remember tasting the wooden spoon? No? Was that just me? Anyway… Wyler’s, on the other hand (which, sorta surprisingly, still exists) recommends sweetening “to taste”. No actual measurement… they want NONE of the responsibility for your pending diabetes.
Anyway… let’s take a look at today’s offering, which, as mentioned — is a bit on the lazy side, both as an advert and as a Sequential Ads piece!
We open during… uh, the Rapture? Everyone in the crowd of, what I assume to be a high school baseball game, has been whisked asleep… except for the young fella who stole Simon William’s 1980’s jacket.
He then… breaks the fourth wall (take that, Deadpool!) to address us directly. Ya see, there are ten things holding up the game and putting the crowd to sleep. I’d say it might be fun to go through the baseball boners… but, the answer key is on the bottom of the page. If you’re playing along at home, we’re doing this on the honor system.
Anyway, in the very next panel, everything has magically been fixed… and our hero is holding what appears to be a glass full of purple gas. It’s actually a poorly rendered serving of Wyler’s… grape (I assume), and with that – our boy reminds us that Wyler’s winning taste can get any game started.
I don’t recall Wyler’s ever coming into the equation… I thought WE fixed this scenario by pointing out the ten things wrong with the above panel? I didn’t drink any purple stuff in the process… did any of you?
Anyway, from here — we wrap up with the plug panel. Wyler’s tag-line has to do with “turning on the world”, which… I didn’t realize this stuff had any aphrodisiac qualities… but, stranger things have happened.
That reminds me of an odd anecdote from my high school years. I went to high school in the mid-late 1990s, and every day after school my friend and I would make our rounds in the hoppin’ town of Sayville, NY. It was the next town over, but, for a time, it was where the nearest comic shop was. So, we’d walk the train tracks from Locust Ave to Railroad Ave in Sayville – hit the shop, then head home toward Oakdale via Montauk Hwy.
Along the way, depending on our cravings, we’d stop at one of two places — the “Super-Deli” as we called it (because it was a deli with tables and chairs, ya see?), for Fritos and Dr. Pepper… or, the 7-11 for Combos and an Arizona Iced Tea (w/Ginseng).
I’d say I’m not sure why we’d buy these specific Arizona Iced Teas… but, I totally do. They had these really cool-looking blue bottles. I mentioned that this was the mid-late 90s… when so many things were becoming “blue”.
So, we bought these things — they were delicious, and just looked friggin’ cool. I mean, tell me they don’t! Ya can’t.
Now, all was well and good… until we were approached by a group of, I guess nowadays we’d call ’em “bullies”, but back then, going by today’s definitions, I feel like most people were bullies… it was a different time. Anyway, we were approached… and were told that only [derogatory term] drank this stuff, because it was an aphrodisiac. Naturally, since it was just me and my buddy — allusions were made, and we ultimately just stopped buying the stuff.
Like I said, it was a different time. I suppose it’s a good thing the bullies didn’t know about Wyler’s having those same qualities, right?
Anyway… that’s all I got for today. As of this morning, I’m officially back in the “studio” working on the upcoming X-Lapsed 300 — which, knock on wood, will premiere on January 31!