Uncanny X-Men at the State Fair of Texas (1983)

I even emailed Gareb Shamus of Wizard to ask about this… and, all he could tell me was, that it existed.  This was like… twenty-five year ago!  In the years that followed, I’d forgotten all about this weird little curiosity… then, as I was perusing a cheap-o bin late last year… I was absolutely gobsmacked to see the very object of my mid-90’s X-Obsession!  Worth noting, I paid farrrrrr less than $25 for my copy.

We open with the X-Men having themselves a run-of-the-mill training session in the Danger Room… which, I mean, is as good a way as any to introduce these characters to the poor unsuspecting readers of The Dallas Times Herald.  After some SNIKTing and BAMFing, the X-Men take care of the “threat” placed before them… and, it’s not a moment too soon.  Ya see, Professor X has just received word of a new mutant pinging Cerebro… a new mutant, who lives in the Dallas Metropolitan Area.  They’re going to have to hurry if they wanna beat Magneto from drafting the newbie to his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants!

Wanna meet this new mutant?  Let’s do it.  We join Magneto, who’s prowling around the Dallas Fairgrounds, when he happens across a young stable boy named Danny.  He knows in an instant that this is the mutant for whom he’s searching, and invites the kid out for a chat.  Looks like Danny’s never heard the saying “Don’t talk to strangers”… especially those in trenchcoats, because he’s more than happy to let this weird old man buy him a hotdog and a Coke.

It’s here that we get Danny’s secret origin.  One day, while tending to the horses, he doubled over in great pain.  From there, he transformed into, get this, a Centaur!  Thankfully, he was able to transform back to his more humanoid form at will.  Magneto heads back to his “sinister-looking airship” he’d arrived in to… well, talk to himself about all the evil he and Danny will do.

At this moment, however, the X-Men are approaching Dallas.  They arrive, looking like quite the motley crew… and decide to divide and conquer, breaking into smaller teams in order to x-pedite their search for this new mutant.

The whole first day of their search turns out to be a bust… but, our mutants must’ve bought the week-long pass for the Texas State Fair… because they’re back to the grind the following day.  Xavier, Kitty, and Piotr decide to check out the Cotton Bowl, where it looks like Texas and Oklahoma are playing… when, the Professor gets a strong sense that the one they seek is nearby.  He sees Danny… and a trench-coated old man, who he immediately suspects is Magneto.

As Magneto spirits Danny away, he x-plains that the X-Men are mutant traitors… who will only do him harm.  Danny’s… not the sharpest bulb in the shed, so he believes him.  Even after Magneto hurls a motorcycle at poor defenseless Ariel, Danny’s still a believer.

Magneto then… abandons Danny.  He doesn’t want to face off with his foes until he is certain the boy will join his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.  Danny, now all by his lonesome, with Kitty Pryde hot on his trail, runs to hide in a nearby stable.  It’s there he finds… Magneto in his full cape ‘n bucket-head uniform.  Also… the X-Men show up!

Magneto jumps before Danny… then causes all of the metal in the barn to come flying toward them, which makes it look as though the X-Men are attacking them.  This further gets Danny onto his side of the argument… and, our new mutants shape-shifts into his Centaur form to engage in battle.

While Danny rears back in front of Xavier, Wolverine attempts to slice n dice Magneto.  The Master of Magnetism is all “uhh, you realize you’re attacking me with metal, right?” and hurls Wolverine up into the ceiling.  Ya know, one’a these days Magneto’s just gonna rip the metal right outta… uh, nevermind.

At this point, Colossus decides to take a stab at Magneto.  Yes, Colossus… the fella who is completely covered in… ya know, metal.  With ease, and probably a laugh, Magneto hoists Piotr through the roof and into the air.  The baddie yells for “Eques” to follow him skyward.  I guess they worked out that Danny would be called “Eques” off-panel then?

Danny doesn’t ask any questions… and follows his man into the skies above Dallas.  Once high enough, Magneto decides to drop Colossus… sending him soaring back into the barn below.  And this is where Magneto and Danny find themselves at odds.  Ya see, dropping Colossus like that… might’ve hurt the horses in the stable!  I mean, screw the mutants… gotta keep the horses safe!  Eques attacks Magneto… and, uh… is oddly effective in doing so.

Magneto lands with a BOOMP! right at the feet of Big Tex, the horrifying giant statue of the Texas State Fair… who, gives ol’ Mags a boot on the butt for good measure.

We wrap up with Professor Xavier x-tending an invitation to Eques to join the X-Men… which, our boy politely declines.  He does however give props to Storm for whupping up the wind and making it look as though Big Tex done punted Magneto.  She says it wasn’t her… and she thought it was due to a Cyclops optic-blast.  Welp… no, turns out… it was Big Tex himself.  With a wink, we’re outta here!

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